If you’ve read my blog for a few months, you know I’ve had an ear infection that just won’t quit. Since last October, I’ve had biweekly visits to my geriatric Ear, Nose and Throat specialist, where he sucks crap out with a vacuum and scrapes my eardrum with an ice pick while I refrain from kicking him in the crotch.

Last week he told me that I’d need to go to the hospital to be seen under a special magnifying machine; apparently an infection that doesn’t respond to five rounds of antibiotics in six months is abnormal. Since it will take over a month to get under this machine, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I called up Woo Woo* Headquarters, where in addition to telepathy workshops they perform massage and other services, and asked about ear candling. I was told it involves placing a 12-inch beeswax-coated cone in the ear canal and lighting the opposite end, which supposedly creates a low-level vacuum that draws earwax and other impurities into the hollow candle.

The next day I showed up for my session. I lay down on my side and a flame-retardant cloth was placed over my face and hair (I wasn’t sure if I should be reassured or alarmed by this precaution). The practitioner then inserted the candle in my ear and lit it on fire.

I felt a warm sizzling sensation radiating from my ear, which she assured me was normal. I saw the flame in my peripheral vision and it was more Olympic torch than birthday candle. To be on the safe side, a bowl of water was nearby (again, not sure if that made me more, or less, confident).

And now, representing Canada, LORI DYAN! (p.s. That is not me)

Ten minutes later, she removed the candle from my ear, dunked it in the water and cut it open with some scissors. Regardless of whether ear candles “work,” I totally get why people come back for more: the earwax show-and-tell was awesome.

For those of you eating while you read this, I apologize. (p.s. This is not my ear goo)

My right ear, the one that’s totally buggered, had little lumps covered in black (that would be the fungus) while the other ear was relatively clean. By no means do I think my ear is “fixed,” but it certainly didn’t hurt. And on the plus side, at no point did I have an urge to kick the practitioner in the snapper.

*For the uninitiated (I’m looking at you, Mikalee), “woo woo” in my house refers to alternative therapies and the paranormal, as opposed to a woman’s lady bits. That’s called a snapper.