Last year I wrote about crap in my bag after I pulled a mason jar from my purse. I recently had a similar experience when I reached into the pocket of my fleece jacket and whipped out a sea shell (note: we do not live near the sea).

Further investigation revealed a treasure trove of non sequiturs:

1. Pirate eye patch. So I can role play with the Serb prepare for Halloween.

2. Angel card from the woo woo place, offering me a meditation on “truth,” which is timely considering that I’m the mother of a pathological liar.

3. The aforementioned sea shell. Did I mention we live in the middle of Canada?

4. The lid of my son’s ant farm. Yes, that’s right: the lid.

5. Miniature cupcake wrapper from the cupcake boutique that opened across the street from my gym.

6. Dental floss to erase all evidence of said cupcake from my teeth (erasing it from my ass is what the gym is for…it’s a vicious circle, really…).

7. Luigi from Cars, because my pink-dress-wearing, fart-joke-telling, car-and-train-obsessed daughter is an enigma.

8. A game piece, because you never know when a Snakes & Ladders’ death match will break out.

9. A rock that my son promised not to use as a weapon.

10. Halloween candy wrapper, to help me get in the spirit of the season (or something).

11. Band-Aid wrapper, because my son lies more than my daughter (see #9).

12. Nail clippers, ‘cuz nothing says “classy broad” like clipping your nails in public.

13. Proof that I am a mother: tissues in various stages of decomposition.

14. An almond, to counteract the guilt effects of #5 and #10.

15. A two dollar Euro coin, because I’m an international woman of mystery.

16. Barrettes for my daughter, who is currently running around school looking feral with her semi-dreadlocks.

17. Mitten clip, because it’s like summer outside and I don’t need it. In two months I will find sunscreen in my pocket during a blizzard.

18. Dora, to placate my daughter when she smells chocolate and cupcake on my breath after I pick her up from school (note: it never works).

The scariest part? This all came from one pocket.