It’s three o’clock on Sunday afternoon and we are on a short hiatus from our cousin’s wedding. We left the house at nine o’clock to get to a pre-wedding celebration at the bride’s parents’ house, had the church ceremony at one o’clock and now we have an hour before the reception begins. I’m sure a full recap will follow, but for now here is a brief rundown of the day:

Hours of blissful, uninterrupted sleep last night: 5

Hours spent dodging daughter’s foot after she climbed into my bed: 2

Number of outfits scheduled to be worn: 2 (hoochie mama dress deemed too provocative for church at noon)

Minutes taken by me to get ready: 58

Minutes taken by my kids and the Serb together to get ready: 9

Number of parental threats uttered on the car ride: 27 (i.e. “Touch her again and I will throw out all of your toys!”)

Times I stabbed my kids with the pin from my boutonniere: 6

Number of Serbian grannies that pulled my kids in for a cuddle/kiss/squeeze/etc: 17

Plates of food at the pre-wedding party: 26

Plates I Sampled: 24

Pairs of foundation garments holding me together: 2

Cans of Pepsi consumed by my son, the barfer, who never drinks soda: 4

Number of times he’s barfed: pending

Instruments played by band on the driveway: 4 (trumpet, accordion, violin and guitar)

Number of firecrackers set off on the driveway: 18

Number of times I almost hit the floor for cover: 0 (ten years ago I would’ve belly-crawled out of there)

Pre-emptive blister Band-aids on each foot: 7 (each toe, ankle and arch)

Number of blisters: pending

Flasks/bottles of Rakija (aka Serbian Hooch) floating around at any given time: 8

Percent of the ceremony I understood: 3

Photos my son took of the videographer: 146

Photos my soon took of the bride and groom: 1

Minutes until the babysitter comes so the Serb and I can escape to the reception (aka date night): 77

Number of people at pre-wedding party/church: 60 (give or take a few)

Number of people at reception: 600 (give or take a hundred)

Odds that I’ll lose my husband in a sea of Serbs: 50/50